Exorcism or Bust

I was thinking about this today after lunch. I don't want to offend anyone, but have you ever wondered why it is that Catholics are the only ones that need exorcisms? This isn't really a bust on Catholics or any religion in general, it's just something I thought about today and wondered if anyone knew the answer.

"Unanswered Questions"

Someone sent me an e-mail today with these questions on them. They are right up my alley. Not quite questions of the universe, but definitely some questions to think about.

Check these out...some are really funny.


1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

Lost Lyrics

So there are a couple of songs that I really messed up the lyrics to when I was younger. See if you can relate...

It took me a long time to figure out that Eric Clapton wasn't saying "high shocking Sherry". I should have figured it out when the line right after that was "but I did not shoot the deputy", but then as a kid - who really listens to the words to understand what they are really saying. Who knew he was saying "I shot the sheriff"? Apparently not me.

My other favorite was one summer my best friend and I used to lay out in the sun on my driveway with the stereo blasting out the window. We loved the Peter Gabriel song Games Without Frontiers. You know in the middle of the song when he says "she's so popular"? Well, that's not really what he says, he says Jeux sans frontieres. We had not idea.

Have you messed up a lyric before? I would love to hear them.

Innocence or Stupidity?

So when you were a kid, did you ever get things wrong?

I'm sure there are more, but here are a few of the things I got wrong. Some of them - I was still in high school. Yes, I have blond hair. It's not naturally blond now, but it was then.

So for the longest time I call my dad a "lonely child". You see I had a brother and a sister and friends. He didn't have any brothers or sisters so he had to be lonely.

So you know those folders that are kind of a cream color? I always thought of them as a vanilla color so I called them vanilla folders. Who knew they were manilla folders? Where did that come from.

Have you had any similar thoughts?

Alphabet Soup

I wasn't tagged, but was inspired by Life, or something like it to put this on my blog because I think they are fun.

A - Availible/single: taken

B - Best Friend: Patty, my sister and Jim

C - Cake or Pie? Cake for birthdays and pie for the holidays - brownies any day.

D - Drink of choice: Medium sweet tea with lemon

E - Essential everyday item: blood pressure medication

F - Fav color: green and don't read anything into it

G - Gummy bears or Worms: neither really. They are too sweet.

H - Hometown: Lived most of my life in Atlanta (surrounding area) but I call it home - especially since my parents moved from the house we grew up in

I - Indulgence: Good food and friends

J - January, or February: January of course - my birthday is January 20th

K - Kids, and names: no mini-me's, but Harley - 13 (heinz 57 stray) and Beaker - 14 (Goffins Cockatoo) All girls.

L - Life Is Incomplete Without: good friends and family

M - Marriage date: none so far and living in Georgia I don't think it will ever happen

N - Number of siblings: one sister and one brother

O - Oranges or apples: oranges after Chinese food and apples with salt on them

P - Phobias/fears: watching scary movies if someone isn't going to be around with me

Q - Quote: "nobody puts Baby in the corner". Not that it's really a quote, but I think it's funny and I saw it as often as possible.

R - Reason to Smile: animals

S - Season, Fall or Spring: Fall on a really cool day

T - Tag 3 or 4 people: Marni, Coffeepot and Cup of Coffee - sorry guys, I'm new and don't have too many regulars

U - Unknown fact about me: I was born butt first folded over. I came out crackin a smile.

V - Veggie that I don't like: Eggplant - gross.

W - Worst habit: scratch off lottery tickets. I just want to be a millionaire. Is that so wrong?

X - X-rays: hand-broke it doing a cartwheel (I sat on it), back/hips-chiropractor, mid section-when I was having gall bladder pain, annual chest x-ray

Y - Your Fav Food: all

Z - Zodiac sign: I'm on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius - what a great combination

Take it on yourself even if I did not tag you. Let me know if you do it though, I like to see the results.

Quetions Of The Universe

So if Wonder Woman was flying her invisible plane with no clothes on, would you see her naked?

What does cheese say when it gets its picture taken?

These are the questions I need answered. Do you have any?

MEME

Coffeepot had some funny answers to the questions below. I thought I'd take a crack at it.

1. The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is? Ed McMahon, or does he only come to the door?

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? Usually. If I'm not up to it I let the bagger bring my stuff out and take it back themselves. At Publix (my favorite grocery store these days) that is what they do.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?Depends. If no one else is talking, I'll tell stories. I get uncomfortable with silence.

4. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?In the Winter, maybe not - what could you possibly find to eat. In the Spring, yes if I don't get a sinus infection from allergies. In the Summer, as long as there is a creek around for water. In the Fall, yes if the yellow jackets leave me alone.

5. Do you like horses? Yes. The funniest horse story I have is when I was at Busch Gardens and one of the Clydesdale horses had a stiffy and one of the little boys that was close by asked his dad "what's that?" I have no idea what his dad said, but I had to get out of there because I was laughing too hard.

6. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? No but I love the original movie Parent Trap.

7. What was your favorite board game as a kid? Life or Monolopy.

8. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was taken what would you do? Run very far away. I hate drama

9. Are you judgmental? I try not to be, but sometimes you just have to be.

10. Would you date someone with different religious beliefs?Apparently. However, not someone who wants multiple wives - that won't work for me.

11. Are you continuing your education? Not formally but I like to Sudoku.

12. Do you know how to shoot a gun? The ones with or without water? How different are they except the ammunition.

13. If your house was on fire, what’s the first thing you’d grab?All breathing beings including myself.

14. How often do you read books? I love to read but have little time to read. Mostly when I am on vacation.

15. Do you think more about the past, present or future? Future.

16. What is your favorite children’s book? Me The Flunky.

17. How tall are you? 5'8" on the short side of 8.

18. Where is your ideal house located? On a large dairy farm so I can make cheese.

19. Last person you talked to? Mom.

20. When was the last time you were at the Olive Garden? Last week as a matter of fact we went out for someone's birthday at work. Not my favorite place but the endless salad and soup is pretty good.

21. What are your keys on your key chain for? Cars or houses. Not all mine.

22. What did you do last night? Watched Wife Swap, Super Nanny and did a couple Sudoku's.

23. Where is your current pain at? My checkbook. It stays that way.

24. Do you like mustard? Only the yellow kind - the original kind not the fru fru stuff.

25. Did you like your mom and dad? Yes. Mom's still living and even though she drives me crazy sometimes, I don't know what I would do without her.

26. How long does it take you to shower? 5 minutes for the main things. If I have to shave, it takes about 10 minutes. I don't like hot showers unless I am really cold. There are only so many places you can actually wash.

27. What movie do you want to see right now? Dreamgirls, Holiday and We Are Marshall.
28. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats? Is that what you call it these days? Uhhhhh, no.

29. What did you do for New Year’s? Went to a dinner party that was full of drama. Thank God I had DJ'd the night before and did not drink so I drove us home - we intended to spend the night.

30. Do you think the The Grudge was scary? Only when I hear the sound it makes. I love doing it to freak people out. Actually, it was creepy not so much scarey. However, if you want to talk about "The Ring", yes I thought it was scarey.

31. Do you own a camera phone? Yes, but I can't send them anywhere so it's kind of dumb.

32. What’s the last letter of your middle name? E as in LouisE.

33. Who did you vote for on American Idol? Kelly Clarkson is the only one I have voted for.

Comment or MEME yourself but let me know if you do so I can read your answers. Enjoy...

4 More Shopping Days

Well, it's only 4 more shopping days until my birthday. I decided to get all my friends together and go to our local watering hole - Hoedown's (Can't Keep A Good Ho Down). It's a two steppin bar and I think we will have a good turnout. It's been a long time since we have all met up at Hoedown's but it will be good to see everyone. If you're in Atlanta this weekend and feel like doing some line dancing or two stepping with your favorite partner...come on down.

Who knows, maybe I'll have some stories to tell after the weekend.

Anyone else like to two step or line dance?

Dear Alcohol,

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a hugefan of yours! My friend, you always seem to be therewhen needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, beer atthe game, and your even around in the holidays hiddeninside chocolates as you warm us when were stuck inthe midst of endless family gatherings. However,lately Ive been wondering about your intentions. WhileI want to believe that you have my best interests atheart, I feel that your influence has led to someunwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication isimportant, I question the suggestion that anyconversation of substance or necessity takes placeafter 2 a.m. Why would you make me call thoseex-girlfriends / boyfriends when I know for a factthey do not want to hear from me during the day, letalone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do yousuggest that I eat at WHAT-A-BURGER, or JACK-IN-THE-BOX, or DENNYS and some cold French fries (washeddown with WINE & topped off with a Snickers bar aftera few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Im aneclectic eater, but I think you went too far thistime.

3. Clumsiness:Unless your subtly trying to tell me that I need to domore yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need tohammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Its completelyunnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my bodymysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never takeme more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is gettingridiculous. I know a little penance for our previousevenings debauchery may be in order, but the 3pmhangover immobility is completely unacceptable. Myentire day is shot. I ask that, if the properprecautions are taken (water, vitamin B, breadproducts, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing outface down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,the hangover should be minimal & in no way interferewith my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some yearsnow & would like to ensure that we remain on goodterms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation formuch laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what todo with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue thisfriendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above &address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later thanThursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully wecan continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you.

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHENDRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I dont want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but youre not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isnt it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldnt. No one wants to hear me sing

For real...so like some of those words and things to say really are hard. I think I struggled with most of them Saturday night.

Now This Is Funny

OK so I go to lunch today with my work group (usually 4-6 of us). Today there was all of us because we were celebrating someone's birthday from Christmas (not everyone was at work last week so we waited). I had 5 (includin myself) in the car and one of the guys piped up and said that he had been at the mall and walked by a car that had a child seat in it. He had to do a double take because he said there as a really ugly child in the car. On his second glance, he realized that someone had buckled their pug into a child seat (for protection of course). We all had a good laugh on that one. Not that Pugs are ugly, but that he thought a Pug might actually be a Pug.

Marni - this one was for you. I knew you would love it.