Something to Brighten Your Day

These are hilarious. I got this at work and actually laughed out loud.

Enjoy.

1. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

2. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

3. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

4. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

5. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

6. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

7. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

8. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.

9. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

10. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

11. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

12. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

13. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

14. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

15. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

16. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

17. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

18. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

I received this in an e-mail the other day. I've seen some of these before, but you have to admit at least one of them will crack you up.

Enjoy...

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it, "in".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip, rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme?

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because ou're not in a good mood.

16. Have your co-worksers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, 'Run for your lives, they're loose!!'

19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."