Funny Stories
Enjoy these. I got them in an e-mail the other day. I thought they were pretty funny. Hope you enjoy them too.
The best lawyer story of all time:
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to supp ort his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
..................................
Psychiatrists can learn:
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for 1 year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me 3 times a week, & we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"$80 per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
6 months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well $80 a visit, 3 times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went & bought me a new pickup truck!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
........................................
Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter.
What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car- sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there.
Then he goes back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle.
Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.
One time my friend Aaron got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly.
The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.
The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!
The best lawyer story of all time:
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to supp ort his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
..................................
Psychiatrists can learn:
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for 1 year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me 3 times a week, & we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"$80 per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
6 months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well $80 a visit, 3 times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went & bought me a new pickup truck!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
........................................
Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter.
What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car- sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there.
Then he goes back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle.
Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.
One time my friend Aaron got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly.
The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.
The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!
posted by DJ Andi at 2/27/2007 09:26:00 PM
2 Comments:
We have watered down cars parked in our driveway. It keeps them from coming back - for awhile, anyway.
I loved the United Way story.
Great stuff, Andi. I'm sending them to some of my pals who do not blog.
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